eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
