I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
