my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
