i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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