Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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