I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I smell stomach acid.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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