I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
