last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
