Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
