just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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