ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
