i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize