I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
