I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
