So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
