Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize