Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
operation have a gay friend backfired
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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