Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
