I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
