i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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