just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
being pregnant is like rehab
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
