Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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