I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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