Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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