I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
