Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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