I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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