i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
