I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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