my phone needs a breathalizer
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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