I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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