She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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