Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
