never play flip cup with pint glasses
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
