Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
