apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize