yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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