I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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