If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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