1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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