Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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