You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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