Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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