He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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