finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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