Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
