As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
