Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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