No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Farmville is her only friend.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
