do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
