I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
