too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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