I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
