saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
