I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
