OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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