I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
my liver is dry heaving
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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